It has been a little over two years since I have updated my blog and a lot has changed… for the better!  I have been off of Adderall for two years and two years ago I did not think it was possible to come this far.  Today I feel like a new person but this did not happen over night.  In January 2008 I decided it was time to stop taking Adderall because the depression and the negative effects on my personal life were taking its toll.  I stopped hanging out with my friends, flaked on engagements, and was very negative to be around.  My world was isolated and nothing else mattered.  I didn’t care about other people while on the drug and it turned me into someone who I did not want to be.  Around May of 08 I stopped taking it completely and realized it was time to get my act together.  I had finished all my classes for graduate school in 07 and should have graduated.  My depression from Adderall got so bad I failed to write my thesis.  Once I got off of the drug I had the usual withdraw symptoms but it actually was not that bad.  If anything, it was all psychological because I did not believe I could be smart without it.  Thankfully I was wrong!

During the Summer of 08 I reached out to my professor and explained to him that I had been going through some hard times.  I felt ready to take on my thesis and get the ball rolling again.  I told him that I cleaned up my act and asked for another chance.  Thankfully he understood my situation and agreed to re-enroll me into the program.  So that entire summer I started writing the proposal for my thesis and began to move on from Adderall.

It was very hard working on my thesis without Adderall because my mind would just wander out of the blue.  I would start writing and then quickly loose focus.  It was hard in the beginning but I managed to figure out when it was time to take breaks.  In time I got better but things were not perfect.  I had many typos on my proposal because I lost focus and would frequently lose my train of thought… like Rick Perry Oops!

By the end of 2008 I quit my job to work on my thesis full time because I wanted to get it done.  It cost me a lot of money to stop working but in the end it was worth it.  I completed my thesis in March of 2009 and finally graduated with my Master’s Degree in May of that year.  It was a great feeling because I did it without Adderall. I felt like my old self again and things got a lot better.

After graduating I was studying for some certifications and was having difficultly focusing on the material.  Although it was frustrating, I had a very positive attitude.  When taking a break from studying one day I happened to come across an old bottle of Adderall while looking for some food in my kitchen.  Out of curiosity I wanted to take one to see if it would help me.  I had come so far from withdrawing from Adderall and to even consider taking it again seemed crazy.  I ended up popping one and it felt very good at first but as time went on I started having flash backs and all off the negative feelings I experienced before.  After that happened I did the right thing and flushed all the pills down the toilet.  That was back in September of 2009 and I have been clean since.

Now it is November 2011 and I feel great.  I still have struggles with ADHD in general but my social life is better and I am not isolated anymore.  I try to keep a positive attitude and not be negative about things.  This has helped me a lot and I have achieved a lot of goals since I last updated this blog.

Although my days of taking Adderall are behind me now I will still continue to update my blog.  I have many stories and experiences I want to share so stay tuned!

To all the people struggling with ADHD and Adderall don’t give up!  There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get there.  I thought I would never get there but I did!  Stay positive and good things will happen!

Thanks again to all my readers,

Aihaki

Its been a very long time since I last blogged and I do apologize.  So much has happened this past year and it has been a long recovery process.  April of last year I decided to quit Adderall and just deal with the ADHD symptoms.  The depression I developed from being on this drug was just not worth it.  It affected my social life, I lost a lot of friends, went into serious debt, and the list goes on and on.  Some of the benefits were very nice at times but once the depression outweighed everything, I had to quit.

During the first couple of months of being off of Adderall it was very hard because I developed a mental dependence on the drug.  During that time I did not believe that I would succeed without Adderall.   I felt I would be nothing in life without it and it was terrible.  Overtime I changed my way of thinking and became more positive.  To be honest however, sometimes I think about Adderall during times when I really need to focus. But for the most part I am doing pretty well.  

Two years ago when I started this blog I kept talking about my thesis and the need to get it done.  I kept putting it off and procrastinating just to get away from it.  After I got use to being off of Adderall I finally started writing my thesis and it felt great. Focusing is still a challenge but luckily I have a good chair who helps me with the writing and the areas I need to focus on.  Today, the thesis from hell is almost completed and I couldn’t be more happier.  

My mind has been more stable since I’ve been of the drug.  My social life still needs work but its a lot better than before.  I also got back into the gym and started doing routine things like I did in the past.  Although things are going well its still a long hard recovery process because of mental challenges.

One major challenge is that I need to restore my confidence.  When I was on Adderall I stopped believing in myself and it killed me to feel that way.  I would always second guess myself even when I knew what was going on.  Now I am somewhat better but it would be nice to get back to the old me.  I am really trying and somedays can be shitty.  Adderall would give me a boost when I need mental energy and without it is hard.  Sometimes I take 5 hour energies just to wake up my mind.  

Overall, I think I am moving forward in the recovery process.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t have this ADD problem but hell, I made it this far didn’t I?  I will keep on fighting because that is really all I can do.  I refuse to go back to that damn drug and be a zombie.  

Thanks to all the people who left nice comments and shared their stories, I really appreciate it.  Many people outside our problem do not understand what we go through.  It is nice to see ADD people come together and help each other, I couldn’t ask for anything better!

In my earlier blogs I have mentioned thoughts about quitting Adderall.  After months of constant mood swings and negative thinking I finally got tired of the side effects of taking this drug.  I wasn’t happy or motivated about anything and just didn’t care about anything in life.  I felt it was time for a change and decided to quit for a while.  

Back in January I quit for a month and was very happy during this time period.  I was going out socializing again and was very positive.  Even though everything was going good I somehow ended up back on Adderall a month later.  As expected the same negative thinking and mood swings returned and my happiness was gone.  Up until April was a shitty two months and I called out sick from work a lot.  Work sucked and I didn’t feel like being bothered with shit politics so I took a week off and went to Vancouver.  I had a great time and checked out Whistler for some snowboarding.  During this trip I decided to stop taking Adderall and haven’t been on it since.  

It feels good being off Adderall but I have been experiencing some withdraw symptoms.  For one I sometimes feel that I need this drug in order to succeed in life.  I made it all the way through college without Adderall so I know it is possible to get ahead without it.  But sometimes my mind tells me otherwise and I have to constantly remind myself that it is possible.  The other problem is that some of my developed negative thinking and bad habits carried over from the drug.  Before taking Adderall I was ambitious and motivated but once I started taking it that all declined.  Now that I stopped I have to get motivated again and get back into my original mindset.  I am fearful because sometimes I wonder if its even possible.  I could just be depressed and need to see a psychologist but I am not going off the deep end or anything.  Hopefully I will overcome this and get back on track.

Thank you for all the lovely comments you have left on my blog.  I really appreciate them and look forward to sharing more ADD experiences with all of you soon.  

Mahalo!

Aikahi

So far so good! Everything is going well and I can’t complain.

Around the afternoon, I took an Adderall and resumed back to my normal routine. I got a lot of work done today, which I felt good about. My thesis drives me crazy sometimes but it has to get done. I have to meet with my chair in the morning to update him on my progress. Hopefully all will go well.

On a positive note, I finally got up enough energy to go jogging! Its been a while since I had any type of exercise. I need to get back into shape and right now I feel pretty motivated. Hopefully I’ll stay consistent with my new workout routine. Now that I feel relax, it time to call it a night!

My problem is getting that “initial start”. It is usually very hard for me to start on something and I end up procrastinating for days! I am trying to improve this but it ain’t easy At least today was good…

Well…thats my blog entry for today. Goodnight internet, its very late and I have to work in the morning. Aloha!

My relationship failed after three years of commitment and it was mainly my fault. I had the perfect girlfriend who was down-to-earth, caring, outgoing, and always down to do anything. I couldn’t have asked for a better girlfriend. Anyway, our relationship declined overtime mainly because of my personality and I tried my hardest to change for the better but couldn’t stay consistent. At the time, I did not know I had ADHD and always wondered why I lacked in consistency. It was like something was missing from my mind and this might sound weird, but I could feel that something was missing. It was like a strange feeling in my head that restricted me from getting things done. It could be neurological or maybe its just me. In any case, I felt something. My girlfriend would always be upset with me because I would never follow through with things. She also said I was very difficult to deal with. Eventually she left me and my world came crashing down.

It took a while to accept that something was wrong with me and till this day, I have not been in a serious relationship. I don’t want the next girlfriend to have the same experience as my last one. I’m very afraid that will happen. I still date around and have fun however, it is hard not to with so many beautiful women here in Hawaii. I never get too serious with any of them and feel bad most of the time because some want a serious relationship. It feels very embarrassing to have ADHD and I rather not tell any of them about my weakness. But as a result, I suffer and end up lonely. Even though I have adderall and other meds, I feel like my personality is fake while on them. This really sucks and many people do not have a clue what it is like to have ADHD. It affects everything you do in every aspect. I will probably get back into the game one day and give it another try but I am scared like hell! We’ll see…

To all the people with ADHD who have a successful relationship and found happiness, more power to you! Hopefully one day I will find the same and be successful.

Hoe Bing’s podcast can be accessed through iTunes or the link listed below:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/theadhdpodcaster

If anyone knows of any other good podcasts on ADHD or related topics, please post a link. Thanks.

Today, I got back on my schedule and took some adderall. It hit a little harder for the first hour but toned down shortly after. Today however was not a good day and I was annoyed with everything. To start things off, my car leaked coolant fluid all over the parking garage and I had to clean all that crap up. I found out about it shortly after popping the pill and it made matters worse. Adderall can intensify emotions very strongly depending on the situation. It seems like whatever I am thinking about or what is happening thats bad, it drives emotions 200%. So I was pissed, sweaty, and dirty with coolant fluid. And my clueless, airhead roommate comes home talking about BS thats irrelevant but he’s another story i’ll talk about later. I’m so mad right now >.< I need to relax…what a day lol.

This has been another day in ADHD land with Adderall…