Hello everyone!

Its been a very long time since I last blogged and I do apologize.  So much has happened this past year and it has been a long recovery process.  April of last year I decided to quit Adderall and just deal with the ADHD symptoms.  The depression I developed from being on this drug was just not worth it.  It affected my social life, I lost a lot of friends, went into serious debt, and the list goes on and on.  Some of the benefits were very nice at times but once the depression outweighed everything, I had to quit.

During the first couple of months of being off of Adderall it was very hard because I developed a mental dependence on the drug.  During that time I did not believe that I would succeed without Adderall.   I felt I would be nothing in life without it and it was terrible.  Overtime I changed my way of thinking and became more positive.  To be honest however, sometimes I think about Adderall during times when I really need to focus. But for the most part I am doing pretty well.  

Two years ago when I started this blog I kept talking about my thesis and the need to get it done.  I kept putting it off and procrastinating just to get away from it.  After I got use to being off of Adderall I finally started writing my thesis and it felt great. Focusing is still a challenge but luckily I have a good chair who helps me with the writing and the areas I need to focus on.  Today, the thesis from hell is almost completed and I couldn’t be more happier.  

My mind has been more stable since I’ve been of the drug.  My social life still needs work but its a lot better than before.  I also got back into the gym and started doing routine things like I did in the past.  Although things are going well its still a long hard recovery process because of mental challenges.

One major challenge is that I need to restore my confidence.  When I was on Adderall I stopped believing in myself and it killed me to feel that way.  I would always second guess myself even when I knew what was going on.  Now I am somewhat better but it would be nice to get back to the old me.  I am really trying and somedays can be shitty.  Adderall would give me a boost when I need mental energy and without it is hard.  Sometimes I take 5 hour energies just to wake up my mind.  

Overall, I think I am moving forward in the recovery process.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t have this ADD problem but hell, I made it this far didn’t I?  I will keep on fighting because that is really all I can do.  I refuse to go back to that damn drug and be a zombie.  

Thanks to all the people who left nice comments and shared their stories, I really appreciate it.  Many people outside our problem do not understand what we go through.  It is nice to see ADD people come together and help each other, I couldn’t ask for anything better!

In my earlier blogs I have mentioned thoughts about quitting Adderall.  After months of constant mood swings and negative thinking I finally got tired of the side effects of taking this drug.  I wasn’t happy or motivated about anything and just didn’t care about anything in life.  I felt it was time for a change and decided to quit for a while.  

Back in January I quit for a month and was very happy during this time period.  I was going out socializing again and was very positive.  Even though everything was going good I somehow ended up back on Adderall a month later.  As expected the same negative thinking and mood swings returned and my happiness was gone.  Up until April was a shitty two months and I called out sick from work a lot.  Work sucked and I didn’t feel like being bothered with shit politics so I took a week off and went to Vancouver.  I had a great time and checked out Whistler for some snowboarding.  During this trip I decided to stop taking Adderall and haven’t been on it since.  

It feels good being off Adderall but I have been experiencing some withdraw symptoms.  For one I sometimes feel that I need this drug in order to succeed in life.  I made it all the way through college without Adderall so I know it is possible to get ahead without it.  But sometimes my mind tells me otherwise and I have to constantly remind myself that it is possible.  The other problem is that some of my developed negative thinking and bad habits carried over from the drug.  Before taking Adderall I was ambitious and motivated but once I started taking it that all declined.  Now that I stopped I have to get motivated again and get back into my original mindset.  I am fearful because sometimes I wonder if its even possible.  I could just be depressed and need to see a psychologist but I am not going off the deep end or anything.  Hopefully I will overcome this and get back on track.

Wow, long time no blog.  I haven’t written anything in my blog for a long time and my bad for not replying to any comments.  I’ve been going through different phases of life and haven’t devoted time to write in my blog. I will make an effort to post entries more often so please bear with me.  

Thank you for all the lovely comments you have left on my blog.  I really appreciate them and look forward to sharing more ADD experiences with all of you soon.  

Mahalo!

Aikahi

This week has been pretty good so far. I’ve been staying consistent with my workout plan and hanging in there with school. For once I actually feel motivated and its been so long time. All I can try to do is stay positive and keep my mind clear. Of course I will procrastinate sometimes but hey, thats how us ADHD people roll. And plus it doesn’t help that Halo 3 came out today, that is a really BIG distractor! As a matter of fact……

So far so good! Everything is going well and I can’t complain.

During the past week I been trying to get things in order. My thesis is going smoothly so far; still procrastinating sometimes but things are getting done. I was stressing out over the weekend and even thought about quitting school, but once calming down I realized I had a bad mood swing. This is one of the side effects I sometimes experience when taking Adderall. I was basically mad at everything and everyone that came to mind. From my thesis, work, to a clueless roommate, everything annoyed me. After a while I calmed down and decided to stop taking Adderall for a day. I was very tired and slept most of Saturday into Sunday morning. Fifteen hours of sleep felt great but I was sluggish and hungry. I ate plenty of food and kept eating throughout the day. I felt like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors, FEED MEEEE!

Around the afternoon, I took an Adderall and resumed back to my normal routine. I got a lot of work done today, which I felt good about. My thesis drives me crazy sometimes but it has to get done. I have to meet with my chair in the morning to update him on my progress. Hopefully all will go well.

On a positive note, I finally got up enough energy to go jogging! Its been a while since I had any type of exercise. I need to get back into shape and right now I feel pretty motivated. Hopefully I’ll stay consistent with my new workout routine. Now that I feel relax, it time to call it a night!

For the last three days I have been procrastinating hard. Over the weekend I was supposed to work on my thesis but kept putting it off. Any distraction would catch my full attention, from playing PS3, cleaning the house, to fixing my friend’s computer. So finally after bull$hitting for the last three days, I finally did some work on the thesis. I was dreading it like crazy but after I started working on it, everything went pretty smoothly. It was better than I expected.

My problem is getting that “initial start”. It is usually very hard for me to start on something and I end up procrastinating for days! I am trying to improve this but it ain’t easy At least today was good…

Well…thats my blog entry for today. Goodnight internet, its very late and I have to work in the morning. Aloha!

Today I was reading something on ADHD & Relationships. The article mentioned how people with ADHD have many problems with their relationships and usually end in failure. Hmm, I can agree with that….

My relationship failed after three years of commitment and it was mainly my fault. I had the perfect girlfriend who was down-to-earth, caring, outgoing, and always down to do anything. I couldn’t have asked for a better girlfriend. Anyway, our relationship declined overtime mainly because of my personality and I tried my hardest to change for the better but couldn’t stay consistent. At the time, I did not know I had ADHD and always wondered why I lacked in consistency. It was like something was missing from my mind and this might sound weird, but I could feel that something was missing. It was like a strange feeling in my head that restricted me from getting things done. It could be neurological or maybe its just me. In any case, I felt something. My girlfriend would always be upset with me because I would never follow through with things. She also said I was very difficult to deal with. Eventually she left me and my world came crashing down.

It took a while to accept that something was wrong with me and till this day, I have not been in a serious relationship. I don’t want the next girlfriend to have the same experience as my last one. I’m very afraid that will happen. I still date around and have fun however, it is hard not to with so many beautiful women here in Hawaii. I never get too serious with any of them and feel bad most of the time because some want a serious relationship. It feels very embarrassing to have ADHD and I rather not tell any of them about my weakness. But as a result, I suffer and end up lonely. Even though I have adderall and other meds, I feel like my personality is fake while on them. This really sucks and many people do not have a clue what it is like to have ADHD. It affects everything you do in every aspect. I will probably get back into the game one day and give it another try but I am scared like hell! We’ll see…

To all the people with ADHD who have a successful relationship and found happiness, more power to you! Hopefully one day I will find the same and be successful.

I recently started listening to ADHD podcasts on iTunes. I came across some pretty good podcasters, which one in particular I really like. The ADHD Podcaster or Hoe Bing has an entire series on ADHD teachings. He is very positive and informative. His podcasts were posted in 2005 and it has not been updated in a while but it is still worth checking out.

Hoe Bing’s podcast can be accessed through iTunes or the link listed below:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/theadhdpodcaster

If anyone knows of any other good podcasts on ADHD or related topics, please post a link. Thanks.

Yesterday I took a day off from taking Adderall. I slept for most of the day but the sleep was good! On the other hand, I was very sluggish and hungry. I wasn’t too moody (thank god) and my roommate didn’t really annoy me (thats a miracle). I actually went to the mall with him and his buddy to check out the iPhone. It felt good being out in public and I didn’t mind walking around the mall. I usually hate staying in shopping malls for a long time, especially with my girly roommate. But everything was all good, no complaints. I did feel some withdraw symptoms but it wasn’t that bad…

Today, I got back on my schedule and took some adderall. It hit a little harder for the first hour but toned down shortly after. Today however was not a good day and I was annoyed with everything. To start things off, my car leaked coolant fluid all over the parking garage and I had to clean all that crap up. I found out about it shortly after popping the pill and it made matters worse. Adderall can intensify emotions very strongly depending on the situation. It seems like whatever I am thinking about or what is happening thats bad, it drives emotions 200%. So I was pissed, sweaty, and dirty with coolant fluid. And my clueless, airhead roommate comes home talking about BS thats irrelevant but he’s another story i’ll talk about later. I’m so mad right now >.< I need to relax…what a day lol.

This has been another day in ADHD land with Adderall…

I’ve been taking adderall everyday for the past 6 months and feel like its not doing the job anymore. While on the drug, I feel very antisocial, moody, and short-tempered. It wasn’t always like this. In the beginning I would feel upbeat, happy, and very social. Now its the total opposite. I don’t know what to do. Everyday while on adderall, it feels like I am straying away from who I am. I feel lost and empty. It seems like I am going to the point of no return. I started taking adderall two years ago. I would take the drug once every 2 to 3 days, only as needed. But as my workload increased, I started using it more and more. Don’t get wrong, I love being able to read materials and focus while on the drug, but damn…I might give it up so I can be happy again. Or will I be happy? This is going to be a hard decision….

After reading M. Frederick Voorhees’s blog on “Adderall and Bad Breath”, made me realize that this is one of the reasons why I dislike the drug. Although bad breath is one of the minor side effects of adderall and it is not a big deal, the many other side effects of adderall are something to be concerned about. My main concern is personality fluctuations (moodiness, antisocial, etc) and long term health risk. I don’t want to have heart problems in the future, tooth decay, temper problems, dry month, and stank breath! lol. But I need this drug to get work done.

I got through my undergrad days without adderall. I handled plenty of business in the past without adderall. The drug has only been in my life for 2 years so I know it is possible to live without it. But if I quit, then what? Will I be happy? Will my production decline drastically? Will I come back thinking I can’t live without it? **sigh** I don’t know what to do…. I just want my personality to be steady again.